Traveling Back In Time

Title: Traveling Back In Time
Author: Samantha a.k.a BabyCopGurl
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/BabyCopGurl_01/
Reviewer: MagicSparks @ Melting Gelato

Story Title: 4/5

The title suits the story very well. I get idea of this one-shot as soon as I read the title.

Appearance: 10/10

I have no criticism against your poster and background. Thank you for requesting them from our site. Jusce did a great job! I love it (don’t tell Jusce this, but I already saving it for my personal use a.k.a my desktop wallpaper, lol!). The font colour suits the very dark background; I found it to be pleasant because the combination of yellow and black background make the reading process easier. The poster itself portrays the stressful relationship between the characters. Good job!

Forewords: 7/10

Wow! Other than some common errors in grammar and term use, it was a success. It was like reading the very first chapter of one long fiction. It was almost impossible to resist reading the rest after reading your forewords. You manage to drag my attention to know more about the story. Thumbs up! But then, when I read the first chapter, I get disappointed when I realize that the forewords are being re-used in it as part of chapter 1.

Plot: 13/15

I like the plot! You manage to make it interesting. I’m in awe because you turn my expectation into something else. Though it was simple, congrats for making an ordinary plot to something worth reading!

Flow: 9/10

I think the flow make sense. When writers play with time in their writing, it’s easy to misguide readers into confusion. But you manage to make it simple and understandable.

Originality/Creativity: 11/15

In terms of originality, I can’t give you full marks because I’ve read some stories based on this kind of idea. But the ending is AWESOME- original and creative! It’s an ugly truth; having time on our sides didn’t mean everything would turn out better. Sometimes it turns out worse yet might be a new better beginning of a new life. In terms of that, I have to give you extra credits.

Characterization: 7 /8

For one-shot, I’m satisfied with the characterization.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9/12

I can’t find any major mistake. There are still rooms of improvement for your choice of words and terminology. But in Chapter 1, in Yunho’s POV ‘But the thoughts Yunho was thinking about doesn't have an answer to them. He can ask why but he will never hear the words of because.’ brought confusion to me. Maybe you could change it to ‘But the thought Yunho was thinking about doesn't have an answer to them. He can ask why but he will never hear the real reason.’

Be careful with homophones, they might sounded the same yet spelled and means differently. You might want to ask Beta Reader to check this story out so that this story becomes flawless.

Writing style: 8/10

I love your writing style! Simple yet not lack of characterization. The details are always there within the simplicity.

Enjoyment: 4/5

This is one of DBSK’s (plus OC) one shot that I enjoyed. So, for that I gave you 4 marks!

Sub total: 82/100

Bonus: 3/5

-Because you requested Melting Gelato to review this story.

Total: 85/100

Always Keep The Faith! Continue your writing coz you are a good writer!

Ripped Apart

Title: Ripped Apart
Author: angelynnnnn
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/angelynn_/
Reviewer: BangBangVIP @ MG

Story Title:4 /5
-I see how it fits in with the story line. It's not the most original or unique name, but it's fitting.
Appearance:7 /10
-The poster looks nice. The background seems a bit boring for my taste, but at least you had a background. It's looks good.
Forewords: 7/10
-Not much to the forewords, but it was simple and got to the point. I liked the quotes from each lead in the story.
Plot: 10/15
-I've read a few stories like this. Guy cheats on his heart broken girlfriend, all the while she's with him her friend is loving her secretly. Your own twist on it though, made it awesome.
Flow: 10/10
- I thought it flowed quite nicely. It wasn't too slow, and you did have a 3 year time jump, but that's no big deal.
Originality/Creativity: 12/15
-With the plot being used often and you adding your own twists to the story the way you did, you were bound to get high marks in this section. I thought it was quite creative how you twisted it. Good job!
Characterization: 8/8
-You did a good job describing the emotions of the characters. I really felt it.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 9 /12
-There were a few common spelling and grammatical errors such as 'dialled' is actually spelled 'dialed' and using commas where there should be periods, but other than that you did great in this area. Your vocabulary seems to be average, which is good but you could always try to replace some words with similar ones.
Writing style:7/10
-Everyone has their own writing style. It was easy to keep up with it, but you should try to keep a quote in the same paragraph if being said by the same person. I got confused sometimes with the way you spaced almost every sentence.

ex:

You wrote: “Sunday, I wish you’d appear in front of my eyes before today is over,”

He closed his eyes and counted to 3, before opening them again to meet with the same empty space in front of him.

“Who am I kidding?”

Could be:

“Sunday, I wish you’d appear in front of my eyes before today is over.” He closed his eyes and counted to 3, before opening them again to meet with the same empty space in front of him. “Who am I kidding?”

This way, it really makes it look like the same person is still talking.

Enjoyment:5 /5
-I'm not a big fan of DBSK, but I enjoyed this one. You wrote it well.

Sub total:89/100

Bonus: 5 /5
-I really enjoyed reading this! You're a great write. I look forward to seeing what and who you write about next.

Total: 94/100

Heart Without a Home

Title: Heart Without a Home
Author: Red Bird
Fanfic URL:http://winglin.net/fanfic/red_bird2/
Reviewer: BangBangVIP @ MG

Story Title: 2/5
- It tied into the story, but I was expecting a sad ending. Not very creative though. I would have ended up staring at it, debating with myself whether I want to read it, but in the end I would keep scrolling.
Appearance:6 /10
- I really liked the poster. It gives off a sad mood, even though the story ended happy. It's still awesome though. The background could have been more...less plain.
Forewords:6/10
- I liked the beginning and got sense of what the story might be about.More details to convey the deep feelings in the poem like structure of the synopsis would have made it a lot better.
Plot: 9/15
- This plot is always interesting, if the right twist is added to it. I've read a lot of stories like this one. You did a good job with this plot, better than some of the others I have read, but it could have been more detailed.
Flow: 8/10
- The flow was pretty consistent. Although, the third chapter jumped a whole year, it was still good.
Originality/Creativity: 5/15
- You didn't add your own twist to it, and if you did then I didn't catch it. You can find this plot almost every two stories down on the main index.
Characterization: 4/8
- I could see the sadness the main leads felt based on the small amount of details used, but more details would have conveyed the message even more so, making the story interesting.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5 /12
- Bare with me on this, I get really picky when it comes to spelling and grammar. I won't pick apart every sentence but I did find a few grammatical errors more than I found spelling. The spelling mistakes I found were common. You sometimes left words out that would tie together the sentence. Sometimes I had to re-read the sentence to understand what you meant.
-"You gaze at your side and saw..." You gaze to your side would have made more sense.
-"He looks so breathtaking as he peacefully slept." Instead of "He looks.." it should have been "He looked so.." looks is present tense, whereas slept is past tense. It's a common error for any writer to use past and present tense in the same sentence, I know I have.
- Try to focus on one tense, either past or present. It can be confusing when you switch back and forth between the two.
Writing style: 7/10
- Every one has their own style of writing, but I started getting a bit irritated with the way you kept spacing out every sentence, even if it wasn't completed.
Enjoyment: 2/5
- I wasn't captivated by the story. You had me going in the beginning, in the forewords. I thought it was going to end sad, but then when I got towards the end of the second chapter, I could already tell it wouldn't end sad.
Sub total:59/100

Bonus: 2/5
-Not a big fan of DBSK, but I still like reading stories about them.

Total: 61 /100

Never Fade

Title: Never Fade
Author: Kub and Joann
Fanfic URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/xeong/
Reviewer: rawr@ http://melting-gelato.co.nr/

Story Title: 3/5- Interesting title, but it’s not creative enough.

Appearance: 8/10- Your poster was wonderfully done, but it was a bit too faded or light, so it was kind of hard to read the font.

Forewords: 6/10- Your foreword started off pretty well, but you didn’t introduce the characters. From the poster, we can tell that it’s a Bebu story and you always stated that it was going to be a Bebu story; you should include a description of them. Also, you should include or name minors that are relevant to the story; for example, in your synopsis you stated that Hebe got her heart broken by Mike He so you should write or name him. As the readers, we need to know the people in your story and a little background about them.

Plot: 11/15- Your plot was too cliché. There had been too many stories with the same plot as yours, but you did manage to sneak in your own original ideas.

Flow: 3/10- It was way too fast and confusing. I got lost reading your first couple chapters and still, I didn’t know what had happened.

Originality/Creativity: 10/15- It was not that creative but it was creative enough to give you points. I also took points off because it was not original.

Characterization: 4/8- Your characterizations was lacking. You didn’t tell us anything about your characters, except for the fact that Hebe and Aaron were in love. You should add more to your characters, so that your reader can remember them.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/12- I noticed that there were a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. With those mistakes, it catches the reader off guard and makes it hard for them to continue reading your story. I will give you a few examples that I found in your first chapter.

On the beach stood a lonely statue. The statue had a tear in her eye.. She seemed to be alive.. The beach was empty... and yet it looked haunted. The waves were moving in hard, and the day was windy and cold. The dark, big clouds had covered the beautiful light blue sky. Across from the beach stood a school., the bell had just rung for students to go to class. Before Joyce could sit at her seat Mrs. Wu called for her. (You should add so many ellipses; it doesn’t do anything to your story. Also, after the ellipses you shouldn’t capitalize the next word. It should still be lower case.
Joyce: This story was taken from a diary and told by friends.. It's called "Never Fade"
(Reading) "Last Chapter: The Frozen Statue" "I felt pain everyday... Since my boyfriend died three years ago.. I think I haven't changed.. I love him deeply.. before he passed away i remember his words.. He told me 'If you day you love and miss me, come to the beach everyday 'cause our memories remain here, so our soul and love can be together... So then our love will never fade..' So for the past three years I've been attending this beach. I came everyday to be with him.. I came everyday so that we could love again.. I came everyday because I missed him.. I came everyday so that I ccould speak to him softly.. I came everyday because I believed that it was the wind that is him calling for me.. For three long years I've waited and waited..." (This part was as confusing as your story. I mean, you should try to change it so that we can understand better.)


Writing style: 4/10- I’m not a fan of your writing style. I mean, if you are going to write a script orientated story, you should add in a few paragraphs describing the characters, scenes, etc. This is a reason why I really despise script writing because it doesn’t develop the story at all. As a starter, script writing is great, but I’ve noticed that you have written other stories, so I suggest that instead of writing it in a script; you should change your writing style to a more professional writing. One that allows your writing to shine.

Enjoyment: 2/5- I didn’t enjoy your story one bit. It wasn’t interesting and I feel that your story didn’t match your synopsis in your forewords. You should of have a different synopsis for you forewords.

Sub total: 49/100

Bonus: 2/5

Total: 51/100- Honestly, I feel that you need to improve on this story before you start writing a new one. I mean, it’s okay to jot down ideas for new stories, but you should really try to improve on one first before staring on another one with the same mistakes. I feel that you need to improve a lot and try harder next time. I’m not sure, but your grammar is lacking and you need to work on your grammar a little more. Go over your story once more and have someone else revise it for you (don’t ask your friends, but a teacher perhaps?)

e Memoirs of My First Love [one shot collection]

Title: e Memoirs of My First Love [one shot collection]
Author: Kei
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/_kei_o1/
Reviewer:BangBangVIP @ MG

Story Title: 4/5
-It's a good title. I would probably click on it to see what it was about.
Appearance: 7/10
-It's rather plain and simple, but I love the poster. Maybe if you had a designed background, nothing too elaborate or anything.
Forewords: 7/10
-Again, the forewords were simple, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It was good that you gave a small peek into what WooYoung is going to experience, and also that you listed who the future one shots would be about.
Plot:11 /15
-I wanna say that it's a twisted version of unrequited love, but I know that's not quite accurate. Anyways, it was good. I rather enjoyed it. It's something I don't normally read.
Flow:10 /10
-The flow was nice. You did some major time skips, but it was indicated by parts.
Originality/Creativity:11 /15
-As I stated above, this is something I don't normally read. However, that does not mean I haven't read this type of story before. I've seen it quite a few times. You're own little twist on it was good though.
Characterization: 6/8
-The details you used to describe how the characters looked were great, as were the details you used to describe emotions.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary:7 /12
-You're vocabulary seems to be quite broad. I found quite a few mistakes more so when it came to grammar rather than spelling.Here are some details and ideas of the errors I found:
-"...after desolating Sohee alone on the grass field." desolating means to leave alone, so you don't need to add in the extra alone.
-Then/than usage. When comparing two objects, use than. When referring to an order of events, then is more proper.
-I noticed a lot of run-on sentences; a vast majority of each paragraph seemed to have run-on sentences. You used a lot of commas where periods would have sufficed. Remember to use periods where there is a new thought or idea.
-I found that you often switched back and forth from present and past tense, which can be a bit confusing to readers. Try to stick with one or the other unless you are using a flashback.
Writing style: 8/10
-I liked how you split it into parts. I've never seen that before.
Enjoyment: 4/5
-I really enjoyed reading it, although I'm not a big fan of Sohee.

Sub total:75/100

Bonus: 5/5
_ I like Wooyoung^^

Total: 80/100

Romeo & Juliette

Title: Romeo & Juliette
Author: © Renata Sabrina Boodram 2010
Fanfic URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/1S_PG_13_T_R_J/
Reviewer: rawr@ http://melting-gelato.co.nr/

Story Title: 2/5- Your title was so not creative at all. I feel that you could do so much better with your title. Romeo & Juliette is way too common. You want your title to stand out, so that it can attract readers. This is a ‘just glance and passed by’ title.

Appearance: 6/10- I like how your poster brings a mysterious feel, but I’m not really into your poster. It’s creative, but not creative at the same time. As for your background, not comment.

Forewords: 3/10- Your foreword is lacking in a lot of things. I know that this is your first story, but you should at least introduce the characters and their personalities. Also, I would be grateful if you give us a preview or synopsis of your story, instead of giving us distracting websites to pictures. Its way to distracting and it takes a lot of time out of reading your story. I know that you are trying to give credit to the originals, but you could of have just told us that you don’t own the pictures, and I also understand that you gave credit to the designer and website of your poster, but you should have put that at the bottom of your foreword.

Plot: 7/15- I can’t really comment on your plot, since it was short. It wasn’t well developed. I just have a question; “Are you trying to re-live the classic story?” I feel that you are trying to re-create the classic story with your two different characters.

Flow: 3/10- It was way too fast.

Originality/Creativity: 6/15- I could see the creativity, but there wasn’t too much originality in the story.

Characterization: 2/8- I didn’t see any characterization of your characters, nor the mention of their names. There were only a few dialogues that didn’t explain anything.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12/12- I didn’t see any grammar/spelling/vocab mistake.

Writing style: 8/10- It was neat and comprehensible, but it was lacking in development.

Enjoyment: 3/5

Sub total: 44/100

Bonus: 4/5- I gave you four bonus points because it’s your first story and you gave it a shot without, so you deserved those points.

Total: 48/100- I know that this is a very low score, but I would like to tell you that you have what it takes to be a writer, you just need to improve. You need to develop your characters and plots so that we can connect to them. I advise that you look at other great authors and take some notes on their stories and what makes them great authors.

Kiss the Rain

Title: Kiss the Rain
Author: 'Niii
Fanfic URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/_rainfall/
Reviewer: rawr@ http://www.melting-gelato.co.nr/

Story Title: 5/5- Interesting choice of title. Also, I love that piano piece by Yiruma.

Appearance: 8/10- Your title did a wonderful job of portraying your story, but I didn’t really like your background.

Forewords: 7/10- The start of your foreword was great, but you ended with how you much you love the song (which I mentioned in your title). I feel that you should of have added character descriptions and tell the reader who’s involve in the story.

Plot: 13/15- It’s as mysterious as Yiruma’s song, but it lacks the development of a proper story or one shot. Also, it was a little too confusing and I sort of got lost.

Flow: 6/10- I’m not even sure about the flow, but I felt that it was way too fast.

Originality/Creativity: 14/15- It was very creative and original.

Characterization: 3/8- Honestly, there was no development of characters.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 11/12- There were little to no mistakes.

Writing style: 8/10- Interesting writing style, but it lacks development and it was hard for me (at least) to follow.

Enjoyment: 5/5

Sub total: 75/100

Bonus: 5/5

Total: 80/100- Not bad for a one shot. I do advise that you develop your plot more, especially since you’re writing a one shot. With the lack of development, it’s hard to follow.