Never Fade

Title: Never Fade
Author: Kub and Joann
Fanfic URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/xeong/
Reviewer: rawr@ http://melting-gelato.co.nr/

Story Title: 3/5- Interesting title, but it’s not creative enough.

Appearance: 8/10- Your poster was wonderfully done, but it was a bit too faded or light, so it was kind of hard to read the font.

Forewords: 6/10- Your foreword started off pretty well, but you didn’t introduce the characters. From the poster, we can tell that it’s a Bebu story and you always stated that it was going to be a Bebu story; you should include a description of them. Also, you should include or name minors that are relevant to the story; for example, in your synopsis you stated that Hebe got her heart broken by Mike He so you should write or name him. As the readers, we need to know the people in your story and a little background about them.

Plot: 11/15- Your plot was too cliché. There had been too many stories with the same plot as yours, but you did manage to sneak in your own original ideas.

Flow: 3/10- It was way too fast and confusing. I got lost reading your first couple chapters and still, I didn’t know what had happened.

Originality/Creativity: 10/15- It was not that creative but it was creative enough to give you points. I also took points off because it was not original.

Characterization: 4/8- Your characterizations was lacking. You didn’t tell us anything about your characters, except for the fact that Hebe and Aaron were in love. You should add more to your characters, so that your reader can remember them.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/12- I noticed that there were a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. With those mistakes, it catches the reader off guard and makes it hard for them to continue reading your story. I will give you a few examples that I found in your first chapter.

On the beach stood a lonely statue. The statue had a tear in her eye.. She seemed to be alive.. The beach was empty... and yet it looked haunted. The waves were moving in hard, and the day was windy and cold. The dark, big clouds had covered the beautiful light blue sky. Across from the beach stood a school., the bell had just rung for students to go to class. Before Joyce could sit at her seat Mrs. Wu called for her. (You should add so many ellipses; it doesn’t do anything to your story. Also, after the ellipses you shouldn’t capitalize the next word. It should still be lower case.
Joyce: This story was taken from a diary and told by friends.. It's called "Never Fade"
(Reading) "Last Chapter: The Frozen Statue" "I felt pain everyday... Since my boyfriend died three years ago.. I think I haven't changed.. I love him deeply.. before he passed away i remember his words.. He told me 'If you day you love and miss me, come to the beach everyday 'cause our memories remain here, so our soul and love can be together... So then our love will never fade..' So for the past three years I've been attending this beach. I came everyday to be with him.. I came everyday so that we could love again.. I came everyday because I missed him.. I came everyday so that I ccould speak to him softly.. I came everyday because I believed that it was the wind that is him calling for me.. For three long years I've waited and waited..." (This part was as confusing as your story. I mean, you should try to change it so that we can understand better.)


Writing style: 4/10- I’m not a fan of your writing style. I mean, if you are going to write a script orientated story, you should add in a few paragraphs describing the characters, scenes, etc. This is a reason why I really despise script writing because it doesn’t develop the story at all. As a starter, script writing is great, but I’ve noticed that you have written other stories, so I suggest that instead of writing it in a script; you should change your writing style to a more professional writing. One that allows your writing to shine.

Enjoyment: 2/5- I didn’t enjoy your story one bit. It wasn’t interesting and I feel that your story didn’t match your synopsis in your forewords. You should of have a different synopsis for you forewords.

Sub total: 49/100

Bonus: 2/5

Total: 51/100- Honestly, I feel that you need to improve on this story before you start writing a new one. I mean, it’s okay to jot down ideas for new stories, but you should really try to improve on one first before staring on another one with the same mistakes. I feel that you need to improve a lot and try harder next time. I’m not sure, but your grammar is lacking and you need to work on your grammar a little more. Go over your story once more and have someone else revise it for you (don’t ask your friends, but a teacher perhaps?)