Cupid: angel's in mission

Title: Cupid: angel's in mission

Author: PinkishBubble
Fanfic URL: http:// www.winglin.net/fanfic/PinkishBubble02/

Reviewer: MagicSparks @ Melting Gelato

Story Title: 3/5

The title suits the story quite well. It did tell about what this story is generally about. But as the chapters move on, I think it lose the strength as the angels seem not to really doing ‘cupid mission’ anymore.

Appearance: 6/10

Just like your name, it’s sweet and bubbly! The colour you used for the font suits the romance mood. I thought the poster looks cool. Very youthful and cute; it suits the high school love story theme you wanted to portray. Cutterpillow did a good job!

Forewords: 4/10

You give me nothing much to talk about. You didn’t use the foreword part to introduce your story at all. I hope you could tell your readers what your story is all about. Thank god you use chapter 1 as character’s introduction segment. And I am thankful that you simplified the way you write their characters like that because I found it to be very handy on my way reading the chapters as I keep on confusing who is who since there are English and Japanese names involved.

Plot: 7/15

I like the plot but I don’t love it. No offense, but it just seems too ordinary and cliché- star crossed lovers-forbidden love- murdered or suicide- then reincarnate. Actually you could turn this story into something more interesting with more efforts. People keep on writing this kind of story because there is tons of stuff you could do about it. You could fluff it here and there, adding some originality in it too. I’ve read many great stories based on this kind of plot. The funny thing is, since your story is short and simple, I felt like reading a manga without pictures. I wish someone turn your story into a manga! It would be great and help people to enjoy the storyline better! But still, since I’m romantic at heart, I’m hooked with this story until the end. ^__^

Flow: 6/10

There was a part in Chapter 7 where Mika and Ryosuke battling on the roof top, then Ryosuke suddenly stop the fight by saying "hey,let's end this.we'll destroy the school!", I was like HUH?!. It’s confusing and seems weird to stop a heated battle all of sudden just like that. I really wish the fighting part to be more detailed. Overall, it was fast. It makes great sense and easy to follow since you make it simple. But I think the flow would move more smoothly with some paragraphing. The sentences look monotonous without it. But anyhow, since you wrote them in simple sentences without much elaboration, I still could catch up with the flow with ease.

Originality/Creativity: 8/15

In terms of originality, I can’t give you high marks because I’ve read so many stories like this before. I did love forbidden love type of story, but angel-demon love story is something people keeps on writing since long ago. I can’t find many obvious originality or creativity to be pointed out in this story. The highlights are more on how you create the mobile phone that can control almost everything and also the idea that angels have money saving in heaven and they do have tellers pin number. And the angels are cheating each other’s money too! I think that’s original and creative.

Characterization: 4/8

Despite Mika’s identity as an angel/ cupid, I can’t really tell what Mika’s personality really is like since you didn’t elaborate much about her personality. But you did characterize the angels and demons well through their action and ways of communicate with each other (Barbossa seems demonic when he throws his sons down to earth! XD). I really hope that’ll be more Barbossa as I read the chapters, but sadly, he’s nowhere to be found in the later chapters except in Lady Elena’s love story. Just like Barbossa’s character, you put a lot of characters in this story but don’t really use them out to make things interesting. Take Mikaela for example. Her character seems threatening at earlier chapter but nothing comes out of her later on.

I can understand the change in on and off behaviour of Ryosuke towards Mika, but Yuto’s regret right after he slashed Mika is confusing. Like I’ve said before, you didn’t elaborate much about their personalities, so I can’t really tell if Yuto was actually just being jealous to Ryosuke that their father loves Ryosuke more and actually not that demonic at heart or what.

Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/12

I can’t find major mistake. There are still rooms of improvement for your choice of words and terminology. But I can sense that it was not well edited. I advise you to edit the paragraphing and the commas (,) and also the grammar so that it’ll be easier for readers to enjoy this sweet story.

Writing style: 7/10

It is simple and straightforward. I kind of like your way of writing though I would love it more if you make it a little bit detail in the battle part and elaborate the personalities of the characters. It's manga-like - simple short words to portray big things happening around the characters.

Enjoyment: 3/5

I enjoy reading it! By choosing this type of storyline, it was easy to attract readers to enjoy the story. Who wouldn’t love forbidden love story which end up in the most tragic ways and then have happy ending? It’s cliché, but I love the ending.

Sub total:58/100

Bonus:2/5

-Because you requested Melting Gelato to review this story.

-Because you preferred me to review your story.

Total:60/100

Continue writing and polish your skill coz you’ve got the talent already! I might not give you high marks, but I do enjoy reading it! Thanks a million for giving me the opportunity to read this sweet story. ^__^